Even If You Don’t Sleep All Night

By Jim Calder

I am usually a very patient person. Unfortunately, like everyone I have my moments and breaking points. This is going to be a full disclosure blog that may be a bit long.  Last night started off as a decent Friday night, but I had no idea of the events that would follow. The traffic home on a Friday night from work can take an hour and a half on a typical Friday night, and two hours on nights when it rains. However, last night there was no rain, and I got home in a little more than one hour.

6:15- Home from work and in the door.
7:30 - Dinner with my wife
8:30 - Surfing online a bit
9:00 - Some cocktails and unwinding
10:00 - We watched the indie film “The Puffy Chair”, which we would highly recommend.

1:00 am - In bed and out for the night … or so I thought.
3:30 am - My wife wakes me from my snoring and tells me that something is beeping.
3:31 am - I say, “what are you talking about … oh it is the battery in the smoke detector, it needs to be replaced- I will do it in the morning.”
3:35 am - We realize that a loud piercing beep would be continuing for every minute for the rest of the night unless we got up and did something.
3:36 am- I take the battery out of the smoke detector in the bedroom … but we still hear beeping.
3:38 am - I try taking the battery out of the hallway smoke detector, thinking that maybe the batteries went on both of them at the same exact time … but still hear the beeping.
3:40 am - I get a step stool and unhook the smoke detector unit from the ceiling. Exposing the wires in the ceiling … but still we hear the beeping.
3:45 am - I repeat this step in the hallway so that both detectors are completely unhooked and detached from the ceiling … but we still hear beeping.
3:50 am - My calm wife (who has work in the morning) and I search the house for 9 Volt batteries, which of course we had none. Why do smoke detectors have to have these odd shaped batteries?

3:55 am - We dress and decide to head out to a 24hr pharmacy in search of 9 volt batteries.
4:00 am - It is freezing in Philly, and my aging car must warm a bit before heading out. However, the streets are dead quiet. It was as refreshing and calm as the eye of a hurricane as I experienced back in Long Island in the early 1980’s when hurricane Gloria rocked us.
4:10 am - We found a Seven Eleven that was open and Melissa ran in for the batteries.
4:20 am - We get back home and are optimistic that we will soon be asleep again.
4:25 am - I replace the bedroom smoke detector … but the beeping continues.
4:26 am - I hit the reset button, most likely pissing off the neighbors.
4:28 am - I replace the hallway smoke detector battery and hit the reset button … but the beeping continues.
4:30 am - I open the circuit breaker panel in our living room and begin to cut the power to sections of our apartment. I cut out that section where the smoke detectors are … but we still hear the beeping.
4:35 am – I realize that I may have met my match. These smoke detectors are unlike any that I have ever seen or battled before. I felt like there were cameras on me and I was Larry David in an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm. I imagined grabbing my baseball bat and smashing the ceiling to little pieces. I was completely puzzled and still in an early morning haze. The smoke detectors were wired into the building security system somehow. I had the complete fire detector in my hand yet … the wires in the ceiling were still beeping.

4:36 am - My wife’s patience is completely gone at this point and understandable so. She decides to call our landlords up. She calls them and leaves a message for the morning.

4:38 am – We set up shop to sleep in the living room as we close the bedroom door … but we can still hear the beeping.
4:39 am – I put on the radio to muffle out the sound but my wife and I start to take our frustration out on each other. I thought that smooth Jazz would be a good sleeping soundtrack but she thought it was too big band style.
In the interest of full disclosure I am not going to lie. There was some yelling and finger pointing by both of us.
While I am changing the radio station in the dark I miss the call back from the landlord. The landlord leaves me a message concerned because she half listened to our message and thought the building was on fire or something.
4:40 am - Melissa demands the phone from me and calls the landlord back. She gets her on the phone and explains the situation but they are confused on the other end and frustrate us more by suggesting that we take the battery out of the unit.
4:45 am – I try one last thing, by completely shutting off all power to the apartment on the circuit breaker … but we still hear the beeping. I contemplate calling our local church and getting a priest out to bless our apartment because, there is obviously something unholy going on in this apartment.
5:00 am – Still wide awake the landlord’s husband calls my cell. He says there might be an emergency number to call downstairs in the hallway of the building. But at this hour we decide that we might as well try to tough it out and get a couple hours of sleep and deal with it in the morning.
6:00 am – Melissa and I apologize to one another for taking our frustrations out on each other. With pillows over our heads we drift off and go in and out for the next few hours.

9:00 am - I wake up and can’t sleep. I put a pot of coffee on and start making some calls. The landlord had emailed me the number of the Security company that installed the alarms so I gave them a ring. They told me that I needed a pass code for the building from the landlord to enter into the panel in the first floor of our apartment. I call the landlords but they don’t know the code. I tell the landlord to call the company and get the code. The landlord calls me back with a code. I go down and try the code … but we still hear the beeping!

10:30 am – I attempt to salvage the weekend a little bit; I make some awesome pancakes for us. Melissa takes a shot at calling the alarm company; they tell her that a technician will be calling us back.
11:00 am - I talk to a tech and he tells me that my landlord has to call and make a service call appointment, that as the tenant I cannot do it. I call the landlord and tell him that they said that he has to call to set it up. While still staying calm, I tell the landlord that I need him to do whatever he can to get someone out here today or we will be staying in a hotel tonight and it will be coming out of what we pay him for this month’s rent. He agrees to do whatever he can.

12:00 pm - A new technician named Roger, who is very calm and polite, calls me and asks me about the problem. I explain and tell him how the beeping is coming from the wires. He tells me this is impossible and I explain that I realize this, but it is happening. He asks where my Carbon Monoxide detector is located. The carbon monoxide detector is a standalone battery powered unit that is sitting three feet away from the smoke detector, on the windowsill.

I start to feel really dumb right about now and voice it to my new pal Roger. The carbon monoxide detector is showing a digital symbol that means batteries are dead. I take them out with Roger still on the phone and … THE BEEPING FINALLY STOPS! Ironically the sound from the smoke detector is the same sound that the carbon monoxide detector makes.

I tell Roger how stupid I feel and he replies, “don’t feel bad Jimmy, this same thing happened to me once and I am a professional.” He ended the conversation by saying … “Have a great afternoon Jimmy.”

Thanks Roger, I intend to do just that, but maybe after a nap. Even though I can still hear the beeping a little bit in my head, I know it will stop soon.

If there is a moral to this story I feel it might be to never take your frustrations out on your loved ones, no matter how sleep deprived, pissed off or frustrated you may get … the beeping is eventually going to stop.

PS: I may not be as bright as I thought I was 24 hours earlier, but I am bright enough to end by saying that I love you Melissa and I am sorry.

Jim Calder is the brand architect and co-founder of ProLong Magazine. Jim was born with the perfect combination of cockiness and self consciousness. He has over 10 years of publishing industry experience and lives and works in Philadelphia, Pa. He currently can be found on the greatest adventure of his life as a newlywed with his wife Melissa. Jim can be contacted via email at jim@prolongmagazine.com

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The Tale of My Imaginary Boyfriend

By: Karina Reeves

Like any child growing up in the 1970’s, I adored Sesame Street. But one thing always bothered me: why were Big Bird’s pals always just missing his best friend, Snuffleupagus I didn’t understand that he was Big Bird’s imaginary friend. I thought they must just have bad timing.

Fast forward 30 years and springtime had just thrown me my own Snuffleupagus. It all began on the dating website plentyoffish.com. I was browsing to see what kind of single men were located near me in New Jersey, using it as my Internet catalog of potential suitors. One day, while perusing my”catalog” I received an email from a very cute New Jersey guy who said he was hurt and disappointed when he saw I had viewed his profile but chose to move on without a word. I don’t know what it was about that email or profile but I couldn’t resist sending a saucy reply. And so our little mating dance was born. Little could I have known how something so spontaneous and simple could end up being anything but simple.

Ron was 36 and worked in the mortgage industry. He was funny, smart and I couldn’t wait to meet him in person. Almost immediately, I couldn’t remember what my life was like before he touched it. He became the first person I spoke to each morning and the last one I spoke to each night.

As we got to know each other, he told me he was up for a promotion and wanted to wait a little before meeting in person. Usually this would be a deal breaker but I was drunk on that romantic springtime air, so I went along. I broke my Internet dating rule, which says if I don’t have a face-to-face meeting after 5 conversations (whether texts, emails or phone calls) then I say goodbye because we’re wasting each other’s time. It doesn’t matter the reason because the bottom line is that the person is obviously not serious about meeting me.

With each text, email and phone call, time progressed—as did our feelings. Yes, there were red flags here and there but the good feelings were so good I told the doubts to “shut the hell up”. I’m guessing it became an addiction that I couldn’t live without anymore. Our conversations were so constant that often times I wondered how either of us got anything done but that kind of intensity can’t last forever. Ron sent the first “good-bye” email saying that we shouldn’t talk anymore because I deserved more than what he was willing to give me. It wasn’t fair to me and I wholeheartedly agreed. On paper it read more like a love letter than a good-bye and made me cry, but he was right—I did deserve more but I had hoped the “more” would come from him. It felt like such a complete cop out and I grieved for what could have been. Why was he ending it? Because he might have to relocate across the country if he got this great promotion? Who cares? I would be thrilled for him and would be fine taking it slow and seeing where these feelings could take us, even in a long-distance relationship. But it wasn’t fine with him. I moped around through the horrible springtime days with their fragrant flowers and disgusting blue skies hoping this rotten mood wouldn’t last forever.

Three days hadn’t gone by when Ron contacted me asking how I was. He was miserable and realized he was falling in love with me. I was ashamed to admit it but I felt the same way but that’s completely crazy! We couldn’t be falling in love! We had yet to meet in person. I had finally met a man that I could be myself with…except at that moment I wasn’t able to throw myself into his arms and revel in this news. Now that he has realized he’s fallen for me he had to meet me, right?

Wrong! After a month of more than 1,000 text messages, countless calls and emails I began to ask him the same question. I began to push and apparently one night I pushed too hard. He was pissed. HE was pissed?!!! What about ME? This time I wrote the love letter, I mean good-bye email. He replied with an “I love you but you deserve better.” Again, very true! And again, after a couple days Ron contacted me to say he missed me. The dance began again. Well, no one can say I’m not an optimist. They could say I’m naive (and, probably have) but, I thought we had a chance.

I was 37 years old and had been alone for a long time not unhappily but felt it would be nice to have someone in my life. I thought a little time with Ron was worth more than a lot of time with anyone else. He didn’t believe me. He said that the women in his life had said the same thing but hadn’t meant it. Well, not me. Anyone who knows me knows that I would rather be alone than with the wrong person. My mother always said that there are worse fates than being alone and she (as usual) is right. I told him real relationships were about compromise but apparently I was the only one willing to do so.

I hoped he would find out about the promotion soon because my patience and understand were nearing their end. Then one day he called very upset. He got the promotion and leaving New Jersey for the beaches of San Diego. He shared how he has worked his whole life to get here but didn’t understand why it didn’t hold the joy he thought it would. (Oh, I know you hear the swell of music but don’t get too excited.) He was committed to his plan and even love wouldn’t lead him off course. He cried as he delivered that news as if to let me know that it hurt him just as much as it did me. Because of the promotion he was emphatic never to meet because it would ruin everything. He would be a “goner” (his word) and trash his plan. Was I just slapped in the face or am I just that powerful a force? He loved me so of course, I would ruin his life. Who knew I had that kind of power? I felt confused and lost.

Inevitably, I began asking myself the usual questions: How did I get here? How could I have let myself get into this situation? It seemed so cliche. Who would have imagined a person could truly fall in love with someone they had never met, never touched, never would meet, never would touch, never would kiss? Not me. The ache I felt to see and touch him was nothing compared to the pain I felt knowing that he never really loved me (or, at least not enough) and that I had to let whatever this was…go. How is it possible that I had a broken heart if we’d never met? Sometimes I still ask myself that question when he pops into my mind.

You see, meeting through the Internet begins quite harmlessly. It’s safe, fun, uncomplicated and can quickly become a set-up for heartbreak. It allows you to feel open and free with the ability to truly be yourself because you’re behind that virtual wall. As we get older we tend to guard ourselves more when we are out in the face-to-face dating world but lose all common sense when browsing the Internet catalog of dating. I know I’m not the only person that fell head over heels for a Snuffleupagus.

I learned many things from my experience with my imaginary boyfriend. Even though I wasn’t seriously looking for a relationship somehow this man made me want to see where the journey would take me and it was fun (at least at first). I entered the experience honestly and with the truest intentions. Ron? I can’t speak for him. I can only speak for myself and some of the thoughts I’ve had over the past year. Yes, possibly this was just a game to him but for what purpose? I could torture myself thinking that the countless times he had told me he loved me were lies, but why? Is it so wrong to cherish the sweet and beautiful words he spoke and wrote to me? What good would it do to doubt what he had said to me? We wrote each other thousands of texts, emails that read like love letters and had sweet phone calls that lasted hours. I prefer to think what we shared was beautiful and so right in so many ways but not for what either of us needed or wanted at that moment in time—but it does not lessen the importance of it in our lives.

What do I feel about my Snuffleupagus a year later, as the aphrodisiac of spring re-emerges? Do I still love him? Am I still broken-hearted? As unbelievable as it probably sounds I did truly love him and the experience changed me. The one thing that I will tell you is that I love myself a hell of a lot more than before Ron entered my world. That’s the true love story here. Living through this bizarre love affair made me realize the love for me had to come from within myself before it could ever be found with someone else. I fell in love with myself and that will be a love that will never hurt me.

If I could tell Ron anything today it would that he was right. I do deserve more and the man that eventually catches me will be a very lucky man!

Karina Reeves has been a Marketing professional for over 15 years.  She now is turning some of that time toward her writing with humor, grace and a style that is all her own. Karina can be reached atkarinareeves@yahoo.com

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Overcome Grief By Strengthening Your Heart Chakra

By Alicia Parks

It’s been nearly a decade since I broke up with my boyfriend. Well, actually it’s been more like 8 months, but it’s certainly felt like an eternity. As time continues to pass and the wounds struggle to heal I’m becoming impatient with how long it’s taking to just get over it already! Is there a cure for a broken heart – other than time?

Strengthening Heart Chakras

There are the temporary fixes: ice cream, drinks with friends, a shopping spree (be it electronics or clothes), more drinks, more ice cream, and the random cute rebound. Or, the less than classy approach: angrily cutting up the pictures, burning gift and mementos into a roaring bonfire hoping the smoke will cloud the present and blur the past.

Then today in yoga, the instructor focused on the heart chakra. We moved through a series of heart openers to create space in the heart center: space to give and receive love. By my third back bend I had lost it. I gave in and let the tears flow. I felt a sudden moment of peace for the first time in months.

The heart chakra is the center of our harmony. When this energy point is balanced we feel loved and able to give love more freely. When this energy is imbalanced we feel closed off to love. The body can actually physically begin to draw more inward to close off and protect the heart center when this energy is low. However, when this energy point is balanced the heart center will open and the sternum will lift, shoulders will draw back thus allowing the energy to flow more openly.

Chakras are seven energy points within the body from the tail bone to the crown of the head. Each point is a spinning wheel of energy and depending if the energy is low, high or balanced, the spinning wheel will either be low and small, or increasingly fast and large.

The first chakra resonates at the base of the spine and is the color red. This is the center for being grounded. The second is the center for nourishment and is housed near the genitals below the navel. Its color is orange. Next is the yellow energy wheel in the solar plexus and the center for intention. The heart center is a green color. Above that is the throat chakra which is blue in color and where we find expression. The third-eye point , insight, is purple in color or depending on text could be a light blue color. Finally, the crown chakra-believed by some to be a white or clear energy or a purple color is where enlightenment, wisdom or higher spiritual knowledge is housed.

Since chakra energy is simply about finding balance, when our heart chakra is suffering from heart-ache, loss, grief or a recent breakup, perhaps focusing on charging this energy could be an alternative to time. Though many of us seek quick fixes to pain or inconvenience, a lesson in patience could be welcomed relief.

After a series of yoga classes in which I continued to focus more on the heart center through spine-strengthening sequences like cobra, locust and floor-bow to heart openers like camel and backbends I was able to let more and more go each time. Though I still have some healing to do, I believe very much that I gained a huge edge on my path to healing my heart. We may never fully understand why some relationships work and some don’t but at least there’s another option to healing.

Heart Openers

There are several beautiful options in yoga for opening the heart center. It’s simply a matter of leading with the heart, strengthening the core and spine and releasing tension hidden in the neck and shoulders. The simplest way to open the heart is proper posture-ensuring that shoulders are drawn away from the ears and down the back while pulling the naval to the spine (engaging the core).

In a standing series, taking a slight backbend while in Tadasana (Mountain Pose) is a simple and gentle option. Backbends are an effective way to open the heart as well as bring a bounty of energy into the body (which is why heart openers are best served in the morning and not before bed).

My breakthrough heart opener was in Urdhva Dhanurasana (wheel) and my continuous challenging heart opener is Ustrasana (Camel). It’s important to ensure the body is properly warmed up before engaging in heart openers since these poses require good core and spine strength. Opening the hips first (with poses such as Eka Pada Rajakasana (Pigeon)) will allow a more gentle and deeper benefit from heart openers. Other options include Dhanurasana (Bow Pose), Setu Bandha Sarvangasana (Bridge Pose), Bitilasana (Cow Pose), Matsyasana (Fish Pose), Salambhasana (Locust Pose), Bhujangasana (Cobra Pose) and even Urdva Mukha Svanasana (Upward Facing Dog).

For a gentle sequence after waking I recommend beginning with a few Sun Salutations starting with Balasana (Child’s Pose) moving on to Cat-Cow movement and on to plank pose. From there draw back to Audo Mukha Svanasana (Downward Facing Dog). Take a few deep breaths through the nose and slowly arrive to Uttanasana (forward fold). Slowing arrive to Tadasana (Mountain Pose) and take a gentle back bend. Release to Uttanasana then back to Tadasana with a back bend and flow through this a few times. From Uttanasana step back to high plank pose again and then release all the way to the ground on the belly. Inhale into Bhujangasana (Cobra Pose). Exhale to release and then inhale into Salambhasana (Locust Pose). Exhale to release and flow through these two poses a few more times. Take time between each movement and then release back Balasana (Child’s Pose) to focus on the breath and the energy in the heart chakra. Come back to Cat-Cow movement and then come to standing on knees. Close the sequence with a long, slow flow into Ustrasana (Camel) pose. Take up to six full inhalations and exhalations before letting go and slowly find a seat with eyes closed. Absorb the energy created and released around the heart center. Acknowledge any emotions that may have come up and know that which no longer serves no longer has a hold on the heart center.

“Learn, grow, live… And then write about it!” Alicia started her path to wellness and environmental leadership at Wild Oats, following college graduation with a degree in journalism. Her passion for natural living, environment, and wellness set the foundation for a future with Aveda where she is currently a marketing manager and manages the yoga program for staff and students. She is a certified yoga instructor and received her training through Core Power. Her favorite pose is handstand, though she is still working on mastering it. Her writing is a continuous practice, much like yoga, and began when she published her first book at age 12 called, “What Mothers and Fathers Do Best.” She is a proud mother of a 6-year-old boy, Tyler, the source for her inspiration to live in the moment-be mindful-be gracious and flow. Tyler is currently publishing one book a week, his latest being the “ABC of Animals.”

Read Alicia’s other article, “Getting Back to the Yoga Mat“.