Which Are You?

By Robert J. Ottaviani

I believe that there are six types of people who interact with each other on this earth. They are as follows:

THE ONE UPPERS:

We have all encountered these types along the way. Your telling a story and when you are finished with your story it pales in comparison to the story the “ONE UPPER” is about to regale you with. Their stories are always much bolder, way longer and far more interesting and they’re only too smug to tell you so. That is, when they even allow you to even finish your story … because of their belief that everyone wants to listen to only them. ‘ONE UPPERS” crave the spotlight, need attention, and are genuinely not interested in your opinion. “ONE UPPERS” can leave you feeling uninteresting and largely inadequate and do not make you a better human being.

THE POLIANNA’S

Initially with these people you can succumb to their kindness. They are often referred to as being so nice. The poly’s allure is equal parts gentle persuasion, attentiveness and a complimentary nature. They are generally very upbeat and positive. They constantly look to find the silver lining even in times when there is simply none. Their garbage smells like potpourri and that stupid smiley face is their icon of choice. Their glass is always half full. But their shelf life is very short. They are constantly being overrun by aggressive people who exploit them and discover they’re fragile psyche. In a dog eat dog world they are the rawhide, chewed up constantly and spit out in the process.

THE WHACKS:

Per chance you have met them and probably quickly dismissed them because they don’t seem to fit into mainstream America but a closer look is warranted. They are the proverbial square peg in a round hole. The whacks don’t dress like you, don’t act like you and don’t live in the same world as you but interestingly enough are asked to interact with you. If you don’t invest a lot of emotional sacrifice and watch from a safe distance they are actually quite intriguing. Creativity, albeit misguided at times can be a central part of their journey through life. Genetically, they are not wired like you and therefore their theories and perceptions are really quite amusing. They are actually some of my favorite people because they can bring a smile to your face and break up the monotonous normalcy of everyday living. They are the car wreck you are freakishly fascinated by but glad you are not experiencing yourself.

THE 9 -5′ERS:

These groups need to exercise extreme caution, probably more so than most. Without much fanfare you will slip into a cyclical routine of boredom. Work, sleep, and wait for the weekend. Work, sleep, and wait for the weekend. Picture yourself on a treadmill with the off button just out of reach. Sometimes we just need to jump off. 9-5′ers generally have structure in their lives, are well organized and have little or no retail background. Social outings and events are usually planned well in advance and impromptu soirees are kept to a minimum. Friday night it’s a movie or a ballgame, Saturday a little work around the house, by Sunday you’re already thinking about work Monday morning so you shut it down early. If it’s a six sided box you’re living in be sure to open the lid and get some fresh air.

THE DOWNERS:

I’m handing out free samples of patience if you have these types in your life on a constant basis. Your constitution had better be very strong because as the saying goes … misery loves company. Let’s see, how does it work? Oh yea … You get that new job you always wanted BUT … now you have to get a new wardrobe. You buy your dream house BUT … now you have a mortgage. You win the lottery BUT now you have to pay the taxes. These folks have a bad case of the blues and I ain’t talkin B.B.KING. They are a weight, an albatross, and a cross to bear. If you are not a strong minded person it can bring you down to a level where it’s a long climb back up. Beware of the woe for it is a dropped anchor around your neck.

THE SALTS:

The salt of the earth. The solid reliable person you go to in any situation. They are unwavering, give solid advice after listening and always seem to have a feel for what you need to do. They are the person everyone seems to lean on and yet never seem overburdened by it all. Never frenetic in nature they are the calm reassuring voice you need to hear and they seldom ask for anything in return. When the world gives us a little more than we can handle these people are golden. You are lucky to have one in your life and blessed if you have more. The salts lighten your emotional load, pick up your spirits and set you back on the right path again. Their work is priceless.

Robert J. Ottaviani (Bert) is a cusp born Aries the ram who has lived through summer of love in the late sixties and the hippie culture that bled into the seventies. He has a passion for music, gardening and all things nature … and laffy taffy. He is freakishly aware of music trivia to absurd levels. Most days you can find him playing his guitar or jotting down lyrics. He was so impacted from the moment he first heard the Beatles that he has Beatle manianized his life, been to Liverpool, England and remains convinced he is the fifth Beatle . He is married to a gentle and lovely vibe of a woman with three wonderful children. He currently lives and resides in strawberry fields forever.

THIS IS NOT THE DREAM
The Working From Home Lifestyle Revolution
By Jim Calder
Continued:

Are You Ready?

Ask yourself the following:
1) Are you dedicated enough to stay productive and motivated in the home office?
2) Are you prepared to always be available during the 9-5 hours for emergency emails, calls, meetings and problems coming in from coworkers?
3) Are you technologically prepared. Do you have Internet access that does not go out? Are you ready to use your personal phone to call into meetings?
4) Are you prepared for the natural jealousy that comes with working from home when your coworkers do not?
5) Are you confident enough in your work ethic to ignore coworkers bashing the fact that you are “working from home”?
6) Can you handle extra criticism when there is a mistake in your work, and your boss may think that it is because you WFH.
7) Are you dedicated to work past 5 pm on most days that you work from home, especially if you are multitasking during the day and need to put in some extra time.

Hey Kids … Look At Dad

My father is an outstanding example of the dedication needed to work from home. On days when he works from home he follows the same routine that he does on days when he goes into the office. He gets up at the same time, showers, eats and goes into his home office. He comes down for an hour at lunch and then returns to work. My dad usually stays up there longer because he is not dealing with his hour and a half commute home. Many would see this as being more productive while cutting out three hours of driving in one day.

How To Start the Conversation

You have arrived at the point where you realize that your career would be greatly improved by working at home at least one day a week. You are ready to take on the responsibility that comes with working from home, what comes next? Formulate your case and have an open and honest discussion with your boss. Explain your reasoning about why you want to become a more efficient and happy employee.

Disclaimer: If your employer is a hard ass or blow hard, stuck in the past and seeking failure in the future and happens to fire you for requesting to work from home, ProLong Magazine and Jim Calder are legally not at fault.

Jim Calder is the brand architect and co-founder of ProLong Magazine. Jim was born with the perfect combination of cockiness and self consciousness. He has over 10 years of publishing industry experience and lives and works in Philadelphia, Pa. Jim strongly believes that the current 9-5 Monday-Friday format of “Work” is dying. Those that refuse to recognize this will be left behind in the decaying office complexes across America. He currently can be found on the greatest adventure of his life as a newlywed with his wife Melissa. Jim can be contacted via email at jim@prolongmagazine.com

The Working From Home Lifestyle Revolution

By Jim Calder

My wife woke up recently and said, “Wouldn’t it be great if we just had to wake up and walk downstairs to work? Think of all the time we would save, we could shower at lunch and wouldn’t have to spend an hour getting ready in the morning,” she said. “We wouldn’t each have to drive two hours every weekday.”
Just a few days later I was facing an hour and a half ride into work (my usual commute is only an hour each way) because of heavy rains. The horrible commute got me thinking, why don’t more people and more companies embrace the Work from Home (WFH) lifestyle?

My Manifesto

Most of the people that I know who seem to love their jobs also seem to be working from home. Some own their own business, others work from home full time, and others work from home only once a week. I currently work for an employer that gives me clearance to work from home once a week.
The common thread is the ability to balance our busy lives while merging our careers with our personal lives. This can only be found via the knowledge, understanding and foresight that the amount of hours spent in the decaying office parks of America do not equal doing great work. I know plenty of people who think they are fooling us. They show up first at the office and make sure that everyone knows that they were there the latest. These people are only fooling themselves. They are doing nothing original.

Not A Utopian Idea

A few decades ago this may have been a Utopian or even radical thought. But today it is just common sense. As we evolve as people we are beginning to realize the amount of stress that we take on through our careers. A major portion of this is from commuting to and from an office complex when we have all the tools that we need at home. As a proud member of the ROWE movement (Results Oriented Work Environment) ROWE , I am shocked that more people don’t work towards the goals of ROWE.
ROWE boils down to that fact that you are paid for the work that you do – your performance – not for the hours that you clock into an office.
One of my personal goals is to start to convince my current and/or future employers why coming into the office even four days a week is excessive for individuals who have proven their loyalty and dedication to their work.

Why People Don’t Get It

I think that there are common misconceptions that people have with the term; working from home:
Working From Home Doesn’t = Hate: Working from home does not mean that you hate your job, your office, your coworkers, or responsibilities. It just means that you would prefer more flexibility balancing your work and your personal life.
Abuse By Others: Putting “Air Quotes” around it when you say you are “working from home” is just about the dumbest thing a person can do. It makes you look like a total slacker and people pretty much assume that you don’t have a work ethic and just watch TV all day when you are working from home. But even worse, you ruin the experience and reputation of working from home for all of us who actually are more productive in the home office.
Jealously: Working from home is not for everyone. Doctors and nurses for instance would have trouble working from home all the time. Others are not dedicated enough and shouldn’t be working from home until they have learned to manage their workloads on their own without being told what to do. It is also difficult to work from home when you are in industries like retail and hospitality. However, for people in many office based industries it is not only a great option it is also an effective and smart move for companies.
It is Not A Day Off!: A common misconception about working from home is that it is a “day off”. There is nothing further from the truth than this statement. If anything you have to work harder on days that you work from home, because people are watching and waiting for you to screw up.

Why WFH Works For The Employee

1) Working From Home is a statement from your employer, that they believe that you are doing a great job and want to see you become even more productive.
2) Eliminates stress. Not having to commute and sit in traffic to get to an office will most likely add years to your life and make you enjoying your work even more.
3) WFH allows you to multitask and do house chores like laundry, running the dishwasher, and more while working, which gives you more time for living life.
4) Many who work from home claim to have less distractions. Think of all the times people pop into your office, just to chat about the weekend or what’s new. This is eliminated when we are working from home and it makes you more productive.
5) More time to take care of yourself and your families. Our schedules are more flexible to take care of ourselves and our families (parents, children, partners, grandparents) and to go see the doctors when needed.
6) Salaried employees don’t punch a clock. Yet, so many employers are still judging their work based on the time that they spend in the office. This must change and we know it.
7) Technology allows us to communicate with team members and perform our work just as effective as when we are in the office.

Why WFH Is Smart For Employers

1) Happy and healthy. Employees feel true and earned respect for their employers for allowing them to have a chance at a happier and healthier life.
2) Increases loyalty. Employees who have been waiting for better times to make moves with their careers are starting to do so. WFH increases loyalty for employees that the company wishes to retain.
3) Office space and equipment are expensive. Most employees would be willing to use their own phones and own computers for the opportunity to work from home full time or the majority of the time. This cuts down on the costs for the company.
4) The technology has arrived. There are no longer excuses to not be able to WFH. Employees can call or Skype into meetings. We are in constant communication with coworkers with instant message tools like Skype, gchat, AOL or others. Email allows us to work from any location on the planet. Most IT directors can set employees up with remote access to the company’s servers.
5) Be progressive. Companies that have employees who work remotely are viewed as progressive and living in the current times, instead of set in the stone ages. You will attract better, stronger employees with a WFH policy.
6) Healthier employees that have the time to take care of their health are more valuable to companies than sick employees.

Are you Ready for Working From Home? Find out by continuing to read the rest of this article RIGHT NOW at Continue Reading Article .

The Lost Art of Opening Your Ears

By Robert J. Ottaviani

The bald eagle, the bog turtle, the African elephant, the blue whales, the gorillas, the lynx, the snow leopard, the giant panda, the black rhino, the whooping crane and the rarest of all sightings … the listener. All of the these aforementioned items share a common trait. They are all on the endangered species list, the listener having just been nominated by this author for special consideration. If we don’t act fast we could lose one of our greatest resources we have been given … listening.

When I was a child growing up my parents used to take me to their friends homes to visit. Visiting was a big social event back then with the grown ups gathering for coffee, confections, and exchanging pleasantries. Before our trip got under way I was always given two choices and I quote … “you are to been seen and not heard” and “don’t open your mouth and people won’t know how stupid you are”. I know by today’s standard I could turn them in to CASA (The National Committee For Prevention Of Child Abuse) or some organization looking to champion kid’s rights. But back then that’s not exactly how it worked. Kids today have no idea how good they have it.

So given my two choices I chose to adhere to both of them. In actuality my parents were probably right on both counts. Given my lack of experience in almost all facets of life at such a young age I could have blurted something less than brilliant. Secondly and most importantly, it gave me the opportunity to learn a valued life lesson … how to listen. Something that appears so simple to do and yet so hard for many to enact nowadays.

“Everybody’s talkng at me … I don’t hear a word they’re saying … only the echoes of my mind.” Unfortunately Freddie Neil, who authored this song is not alone.

Everyone’s talking these days. Everyone has something to say. Everyone has a point to make … but who’s listening? The lost art of listening is in imminent danger. If you haven’t noticed maybe it’s because you haven’t listened. Take note of some conversations that you encounter and see if you can spot that member of the endangered species.

Let me end by saying the following … listening restores a certain dignity to the spoken word by showing restraint and a level of interest in what others are saying. Listening allows one to exploit the virtue of patience. Listening makes for a more well rounded individual. As long as we are talking we only know what we know and think … but by listening we know what others know as well as ourselves. Are you listening?

Robert J. Ottaviani (Bert) is a cusp born Aries the ram who has lived through summer of love in the late sixties and the hippie culture that bled into the seventies. He has a passion for music, gardening and all things nature … and laffy taffy. He is freakishly aware of music trivia to absurd levels. Most days you can find him playing his guitar or jotting down lyrics. He was so impacted from the moment he first heard the Beatles that he has Beatle manianized his life, been to Liverpool, England and remains convinced he is the fifth Beatle . He is married to a gentle and lovely vibe of a woman with three wonderful children. He currently lives and resides in strawberry fields forever.

Another Way To Look At Things

By Jim Calder

Do you have trouble focusing? Find that you are staying up later and later on the computer? Feel like you can never just focus your attention on one thing or project? The solution is simple, turn all your shit off permanently and go see a doctor. However, if this is too extreme for you, you could just read this blog and see a new way of looking at things.

I am technologically overstimulated.

Thanks to modern technology I have the attention span that is the size of a gnat. I had a half-day at work today and planned on working on a freelance project but as usual I got sucked into many, many things. My work email, Facebook, Facebook Chat, a Youtube video or 10, Gmail, Gchat, organizing my Google docs, Blackberry Messenger, Texts, and so on.

I find some evenings I am online for hours and have lost focus. I yearn for the days before my day when people sat in half lit rooms smoking and drinking whiskey while slowly typing ideas on a typewriter. Think of all the “boxes of failed ideas” that existed on hard paper somewhere in the rooms of the past. Ideas must have been more valuable back then, more rare. They weren’t just tweeted, posted on Facebook or emailed out without thinking them through.

Just as my attention span was about to rip me from this google doc that I am typing this blog in, a brave new thought hit me.

What if our “modern Technology” – especially the virtual chats – equals today’s version of “boxes of failed ideas”? Today, we hash and flush out our ideas with others instead of forming the ideas in quiet rooms on our own. We run our ideas past small focus groups consisting of family, friends, coworkers, and even strangers with similar interests.

Ideas kept to yourself will never thrive. Share them and grow them with others.

PS: Don’t fear the boxes of failed ideas, they are your biggest asset.

Jim Calder is the brand architect and co-founder of ProLong Magazine. Jim was born with the perfect combination of cockiness and self consciousness. He has over 10 years of publishing industry experience and lives and works in Philadelphia, Pa. Jim strongly believes that the current 9-5 Monday-Friday format of “Work” is dying. Those that refuse to recognize this will be left behind in the decaying office complexes across America. He currently can be found on the greatest adventure of his life as a newlywed with his wife Melissa. Jim can be contacted via email at jim@prolongmagazine.com

By Jim Calder

I am in the construction business, and have been for several years now. I don’t physically build houses, buildings, roads, etc. What I have been trying to build—or better yet to help build—are people. On our team, the “construction people” we believe that the more people that do well increases our chances for growing and doing well ourselves. This is not rocket science, it just makes sense.In fact it isn’t a new idea either, but it is good to be reminded of it often.

Qualities of the Construction People

-We take the time to lend advice.
-We take the time to give feedback.
-We take the time to lend our knowledge.
-We offer resources when we can.
-We encourage and give positive support.
-We realize that we can learn from watching others do well.
-We realize that everything in life does not have to be a big competition.
-We are teachers and learners.
-We embrace failure, but more importantly learn from it.
-We care.

The Demo Business

On the other side of the spectrum are the people in the demoing business.They rip people down whenever they see an opportunity. In this quick life we all will come across far too many in the demoing business. Sometimes it can take form of people who are scared individuals snickering and casting doubt about your new business venture. They may say how it will fail, they may say that you won’t find revenue, and they may say you don’t know what you are doing. I don’t know why, when, or how these people choose to go into the demoing business, but somewhere they make a clear choice.
It is sad and it is just plain lazy to be in the demo business, and perhaps that is what makes it so easy for some.

The Mind Set of a Loser

If you constantly go around bashing other people’s ideas, hopes, and dreams you are really kind of a scum bag. These people are tricking their own minds, by justifying the fact that they are lazy and don’t want to try and do something extraordinary with their lives themselves. They think to themselves … these people are all failing, so I won’t even try … because I am afraid of failure. These people route for failure by others to confirm their own doubts.
I say that failure should be worn as a badge of honor. If you are not failing you are not taking risks. If you are not failing, you are not doing anything worth talking about. If you are paralyzed by the fear of failure you are most likely only doing enough to get by, enough to please the boss, and enough to stay unoriginal forever.

The Rewards of a Builder

Yes, it takes a lot more energy to be a builder. But the rewards are also much greater. The next time you hear someone is starting something, building something from scratch, really think about it before you judge. Before the instinctual negative words of doubt come flowing from your mouth, do us all a favor and take a step back. Take a moment of reflection and and inner look at your soul and guts and think about why you are about to spew negativity into someone’s world. It just may change your life.

Jim Calder is the brand architect and co-founder of ProLong Magazine. Jim was born with the perfect combination of cockiness and self consciousness. He has over 10 years of publishing industry experience and lives and works in Philadelphia, Pa. Jim strongly believes that the current 9-5 Monday-Friday format of “Work” is dying. Those that refuse to recognize this will be left behind in the decaying office complexes across America. He currently can be found on the greatest adventure of his life as a newlywed with his wife Melissa. Jim can be contacted via email at jim@prolongmagazine.com

By Mike McGovern

A gun range has a certain je ne sais quoi about it. Maybe it’s the imminence of severe injury or possible death—it’s at once exhilarating and stress relieving, and is the main reason for my recent shotgun purchase. A secondary reason is for home protection.
Living in a townhome community for 4 years—the close quarters, the shared driveways, yards, and walls—one learns a lot about people. On one side you have people who are considerate, who organize yard sales (that begin much too early on Saturday mornings), and who scold their children when one scampers into the street without first looking both ways. On the other side of the spectrum lie the neighbors who live on either side of my home.

First, we have the end unit “family.” When we moved in they were seemingly nice, always said hello and chatted briefly and such. The couple has four children who no longer live there. The same goes for the father. The situation has devolved to the point that my wife and I aren’t sure what’s going on. He did return two Saturdays ago, but that was just to bang on their front door and yell to let him inside. We assumed the girlfriend had locked him out. Since it was only 8:30pm, we let it go figuring it was a minor domestic dispute that would blow over.

Cut to 11pm: We’re in bed watching the weather report and nodding off to sleep. Muffled yelling. Walls shaking. At this point, and given the late hour, I wasn’t having this go on any longer. Swiftly tossing the blanket aside, I bolted down the stairs, flung open the door and before I could say anything he cut me off with, “It’s just me.” I replied, “I don’t care. We’re trying to sleep” and SLAMMED the door shut. Not a half-hour later he’s back at it, and this time the noise is even louder. I tried to be nice the first time. Without hesitation I grabbed the phone and cleared my head while waiting for the police dispatcher to pick up.
–
A beer was my companion on the stairs while waiting for the police to arrive. I have to hand it to them, it was no more than 5 minutes.

Cop: “You got up there, so you can get down,” I heard through the front window. “Down from where?” I thought, heart still racing from the excitement.

Apparently the guy had climbed up onto the front overhang in an attempt to break in through the second floor bedroom window. The footprints I saw in the snow the next morning confirmed that assumption. It also made more sense why the banging and vibrations were so intense; he was only 10 feet away from our bedroom window! Granted, he wasn’t attempting to break down our bedroom window, but the residual sense of danger was too close for comfort.

A few days later, it was brought to my attention that a local firearms shop was selling a slightly used Remington 20-gauge shotgun at a great price.

So what’s the moral of this story? Guns don’t kill people; people kill people. But when your family feels endangered, it’s best to be prepared. Oh, and if you can, avoid living in a townhouse for any extended period.

*Lawyer Notice That Comes With All Mike McGovern Articles: ProLong Magazine does not condone the use firearms or threatening your neighbors with your guns .

When he’s not busy shooting birds at the airport, Mike enjoys pointing out the surprisingly prevalent misuse of “it’s” and “its,” taunting children, and spending time at the park with his wife Michelle and his dog Sam. After 4 years of marriage Michelle says, “I don’t use the word ‘perfect’ much, but he really is.” Mike, Michelle, and Sam live in an undisclosed location in PA, a town in Lancaster county that just recently began providing running water to its residents. Mike’s day basically involves helping save lives as the Managing Editor of a peer-reviewed wound care journal. Contact Mike: psudeke1@gmail.com.

The Age of the Worker

By Jim Calder

We live in a new age. An age where the worker is valued above all else. For years companies have devalued you as the employee by cutting your pay, increasing your hours, freezing your salary all in the name of the economy and more. That day is over friends. An individual today has extreme power. We have access to tools that previously were only available to a company with resources. We can create and build on our own, and that by nature is a threat to “the old way of thinking about work”.

We are motivated to succeed, for ourselves and for our families. We don’t respond well to fear tactics, and if exposed to them for too long, we move on. All because we realize that life is too short and we are too valuable. We learn new skills for the benefit of ourselves and our careers, before someone has to tell or ask us to do so. We value other things besides our salaries, such as working from home. The Internet has made us versatile. We teach ourselves to do almost anything with the help of our friends Google and YouTube.

Managers may still treat you like a cog that can be replaced. However, you are the one allowing them to do so. You are an individual with unique skills that you have learned and own, so be proud of it. Companies that refuse to change will be left in the past with the rest of the dinosaurs. Companies that only offer you the fear of losing your job as motivation have no place in today’s marketplace. Fear is not a motivation tool, it is a weak sign of a weaker foundation of a company, corporation or business. Advanced companies are well aware of this and making changes.

At your next review instead of joining the ongoing cycle and defending why you deserve your job, ask yourself this:
-Why does your company deserve to have YOU as an employee?
-What has your company done for YOU?
-Why is this company worth YOUR time, YOUR hours, a large portion of YOUR life?
-How has this company showed ME that they value the work that I am doing?

The message is spreading and quickly. ROWE (Results-Only Work Environment) is a human resource management strategy. This progressive movement was co-created by Jody Thompson and Cali Ressler (pictured above) and thrives on the theory that employees are paid for results (output) rather than the amount of hours one works.Their idea has been adapted by large American retails such as Best Buy, Gap, and other companies. This duo has created their own consulting group called CultureRx and their message is selling.

Not enough evidence that this way of working will work? Let me leave you with this inspiring video from the TED conference.

Jim Calder is the brand architect and co-founder of ProLong Magazine. Jim was born with the perfect combination of cockiness and self consciousness. He has over 10 years of publishing industry experience and lives and works in Philadelphia, Pa. He currently can be found on the greatest adventure of his life as a newlywed with his wife Melissa. Jim can be contacted via email at jim@prolongmagazine.com

And Drinking On Sunday

By Jim Calder

As I am writing this I just watched the completion of the Pro Cycling Tour TD Bank North Philadelphia International Cycling Championship. This year I was a little busy with some other projects and didn’t make it out to Manayunk nor a quick walk down the the Ben Franklin Parkway art museum circle to watch this race. But I had it on in the background of the house for the last six hours plus. I have been following/attending this race since 2002 when I first moved to Philadelphia. My appreciation for this race has changed greatly over the years. Years ago it was just a great excuse to drink all day on a Sunday and it still is for many!

The race is known as one of the most difficult one-day events in the US. The course is 156 miles long starting and the art museum down Kelly Drive through East Falls, Manayunk and Roxborough. According to Wikipedia, top cyclists have participated including Eric Heiden, Gred Lemond and Lance Armstrong. Armstrong actually stared his professional career when he won this race in 1993. Nine American cyclists have won the men’s portion of this race since its inception in 1985, even though this year an Australian took it home.

One of the best places to see the action (because it is the slowest part) is the Manayunk Wall. This also make for the best party and drinking spot. The steepest section of the wall boasts a 17-percent grade. This race represents the best of the city that we call home. In days past we would fill up water bottles, Gatorade bottles, etc with the liquor of our choice add some soda or juice throw it in a book bag full of us, which also worked as a self cooler on hot race days.
We would show up late and sometimes only able to catch one lap up the the wall, and end up drinking till it got dark. Sure back then I appreciated that these riders were doing something that I wouldn’t be able to do on my best day, but it was more like wow, where are we drinking next. Ah the memories come rushing back. I remember one year my future wife and some friends were trying to get on an outgoing Septa train that was too crowded. A friend to remain nameless and I jimmied a door to the train open an lifted the ladies onto the train until we got yelled at by Septa.

Today, watching it from a distance with the temperature at 87 degrees I feel real respect for these racers. Screw this respecting the race crap, next year I am going to refill the soda bottles with booze and join back in the Par-T.

Jim Calder is the brand architect and co-founder of ProLong Magazine. Jim was born with the perfect combination of cockiness and self consciousness. He has over 10 years of publishing industry experience and lives and works in Philadelphia, Pa. He currently can be found on the greatest adventure of his life as a newlywed with his wife Melissa. Jim can be contacted via email at jim@prolongmagazine.com

Robert J. Ottaviani

We should all be serving a sentence for committing a heinous crime on the English language. We have blatantly over used, over exaggerated and over indulged ourselves with a misappropriation of words, phrases, and slang. We are guilty as charged. All of us! Let’s take a look at some misguided verbiage we have come to accept as normal repartee.

ROFL … Rollin on the floor laughing … I don’t know about the rest of you but maybe once in my lifetime I have seen people Rollin on the floor laughing and the combination of alcohol and a wicked sense of humor were directly involved. The fact that it is written and nausea points out the fact that it is entirely out of text. There’s no one on the floor and quite frankly there’s a good chance of a lack of laughter also. I’m thinking the person authoring that text is probably just smiling. So maybe next time try something more appropriate like … SAL (smiling a lot).

LMAO … laughing my ass off … Again with the laughter. ROFL ’s little cousin but not as severe or intense. First of all nobody is laughing their ass off and if they did they can only do it once. It doesn’t grow back or regenerate so once it’s off it’s off for good. A word of caution for all you LMAO ers . If I were you I would take precaution with what you give away so freely. You may eventually find yourself ROFL and you’ll wish you hadn’t laughed it off.

TALK TO THE HAND … I don’t why, where or when this little catch phrase started but I knew immediately I didn’t like it. Thankfully it’s popularity has waned greatly but in it’s heyday it was a force to be reckoned with. The most alarming aspect of it all was the fact that a vast majority of adults were using it as well. It was dismissive and abrupt. IT was really FU wrapped in a cuddly blanket. I know this much,if I had used it on my dad the only person I’d be talking to would be Jesus asking him to take the pain away.

TOO BUSY … I know your thinking this isn’t slang and you would be entirely right but it is used often in the wrong context. There are seven days a week,twenty four hours a day and three hundred and sixty five days in a year. Let’s be honest with ourselves, what we are really saying is I don’t want to take the time to call or see or do what it is were avoiding. We always seem to make time for what we truly want. Hopefully were not TOO BUSY when that special person really needs us.

BABY MOMMY/BABY DADDY … When did we become blithering idiots that allowed this vernacular to be part of our social fabric. Apparently perpetuating booty calls,DNA tests and absent parenting is good business. Just because Jerry Springer and Maury Povich are sell-in doesn’t mean we have to be buy-in. Hearing these words makes me grind my teeth and they sound as silly as the person saying them. I got a word for you,even two … Mom/Dad … it never gets old.

“DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS *****?” … Proceed with extreme caution. This is strictly a rhetorical question and does not,repeat does not require an answer. Quickly and gently steer the conversation to a safer subject like politics or religion. Do not smile, do not offer an opinion even in a positive manner as all things could be misconstrued at this particular time. An answer or response is not what is being sought here. Treat as a crime scene, see the police tape and give a lot of room.

WHATEVER … Quite possibly the phrase that rankles me the most and challenges my blood pressure levels as well. This one word interjection brings your conversation to a screeching halt. It is usually said with a bit of a lilt and a dash of attitude. Indifference be thy name. Kick my dog, track mud through my house, downsize my job just refrain from using that eight letter word with me.

Robert J. Ottaviani (Bert) is a cusp born Aries the ram who has lived through summer of love in the late sixties and the hippie culture that bled into the seventies. He has a passion for music, gardening and all things nature … and laffy taffy. He is freakishly aware of music trivia to absurd levels. Most days you can find him playing his guitar or jotting down lyrics. He was so impacted from the moment he first heard the Beatles that he has Beatle manianized his life, been to Liverpool, England and remains convinced he is the fifth Beatle . He is married to a gentle and lovely vibe of a woman with three wonderful children. He currently lives and resides in strawberry fields forever.