Room Even For The Semi-Sacrilegious

By Robert J. Ottaviani

I took the standard oath when I signed on to blog for ProLong thereby surrendering my first born or designated child that I wished to sacrifice. They put me through all of the DNA testing,the secret handshake and signing off on the clause that prevents me from blogging for a competitor.
I know as I write the following I’m being semi-sacrilegious because part of ProLong Magazine’s objective is to promote a longer healthier lifestyle. However, the way I view it a sense of humor is vital to a healthy body and mind.With that in mind and in the style of a certain late night TV host and with tongue firmly planted in cheek I give you the following:

Top 10 reasons for not living a healthy lifestyle
10.Don’t have to concern yourself with those pesky expiration dates
9.Can use treadmill as an additional source of hanging clothes
8.Puts all you can eat buffets back into play
7.Amusement park rides don’t have a weight restriction only height
6.The rise in popularity in over sized furniture makes the timing oh so right
5.Calorie schmalories … give me some of that bacon fat
4.Polyester clothing with Lycra has great elasticity qualities
3.It gives one the opportunity to “super size” it
2.We will end the prejudice against fat people in our lifetime
1.Sugar is good food

Top 10 reasons for not exercising
10.Putting on twenty is easier than losing twenty
9.Eliminates choosing a favorite fitness guru to follow (Sorry Matt Tucker)
8.Riding a stationary bike gets you nowhere and the scenery is boring
7.Endorphin high isn’t as good as the one you get from donuts
6.Sweating is largely overrated
5.Assuming sedentary position makes it easy for people to find you
4.Eliminates those pangs of guilt when you cheat
3.Couldn’t figure out how to hook up the new exercise equipment to the sofa
2.Anything less than a lifetime commitment is considered failure
1.No time wasted kneeling on a mat at the gym staring at some unsightly posteriors

Top 10 reasons for staying off drugs and alcohol
10.The faces you wake up to the next morning are familiar
9.Able to avoid that one always annoying jerk
8.Have the ability to actually recall and recant stories with details
7.Wake up the next morning without corn stalks hanging out your car windows
6.Rehab is for losers
5.State store wont revoke your platinum membership status
4.New circle of friends are okay with you staying home to watch a movie
3.Less recyclables to put out each week
2.English becomes your first language again
1.”Let’s do some shots”

Robert J. Ottaviani (Bert) is a cusp born Aries the ram who has lived through summer of love in the late sixties and the hippie culture that bled into the seventies. He has a passion for music, gardening and all things nature … and laffy taffy. He is freakishly aware of music trivia to absurd levels. Most days you can find him playing his guitar or jotting down lyrics. He was so impacted from the moment he first heard the Beatles that he has Beatlemanianized his life,been to Liverpool, England and remains convinced he is the fifth Beatle. He is married to a gentle and lovely vibe of a woman with three wonderful children. He currently lives and resides in strawberry fields forever.

If you like this blog enter your email address now to join our email mailing list.