I Fell In Love With Snuffleupagus
The Tale of My Imaginary Boyfriend
By: Karina Reeves
Like any child growing up in the 1970’s, I adored Sesame Street. But one thing always bothered me: why were Big Bird’s pals always just missing his best friend, Snuffleupagus I didn’t understand that he was Big Bird’s imaginary friend. I thought they must just have bad timing.
Fast forward 30 years and springtime had just thrown me my own Snuffleupagus. It all began on the dating website plentyoffish.com. I was browsing to see what kind of single men were located near me in New Jersey, using it as my Internet catalog of potential suitors. One day, while perusing my”catalog” I received an email from a very cute New Jersey guy who said he was hurt and disappointed when he saw I had viewed his profile but chose to move on without a word. I don’t know what it was about that email or profile but I couldn’t resist sending a saucy reply. And so our little mating dance was born. Little could I have known how something so spontaneous and simple could end up being anything but simple.
Ron was 36 and worked in the mortgage industry. He was funny, smart and I couldn’t wait to meet him in person. Almost immediately, I couldn’t remember what my life was like before he touched it. He became the first person I spoke to each morning and the last one I spoke to each night.
As we got to know each other, he told me he was up for a promotion and wanted to wait a little before meeting in person. Usually this would be a deal breaker but I was drunk on that romantic springtime air, so I went along. I broke my Internet dating rule, which says if I don’t have a face-to-face meeting after 5 conversations (whether texts, emails or phone calls) then I say goodbye because we’re wasting each other’s time. It doesn’t matter the reason because the bottom line is that the person is obviously not serious about meeting me.
With each text, email and phone call, time progressed—as did our feelings. Yes, there were red flags here and there but the good feelings were so good I told the doubts to “shut the hell up”. I’m guessing it became an addiction that I couldn’t live without anymore. Our conversations were so constant that often times I wondered how either of us got anything done but that kind of intensity can’t last forever. Ron sent the first “good-bye” email saying that we shouldn’t talk anymore because I deserved more than what he was willing to give me. It wasn’t fair to me and I wholeheartedly agreed. On paper it read more like a love letter than a good-bye and made me cry, but he was right—I did deserve more but I had hoped the “more” would come from him. It felt like such a complete cop out and I grieved for what could have been. Why was he ending it? Because he might have to relocate across the country if he got this great promotion? Who cares? I would be thrilled for him and would be fine taking it slow and seeing where these feelings could take us, even in a long-distance relationship. But it wasn’t fine with him. I moped around through the horrible springtime days with their fragrant flowers and disgusting blue skies hoping this rotten mood wouldn’t last forever.
Three days hadn’t gone by when Ron contacted me asking how I was. He was miserable and realized he was falling in love with me. I was ashamed to admit it but I felt the same way but that’s completely crazy! We couldn’t be falling in love! We had yet to meet in person. I had finally met a man that I could be myself with…except at that moment I wasn’t able to throw myself into his arms and revel in this news. Now that he has realized he’s fallen for me he had to meet me, right?
Wrong! After a month of more than 1,000 text messages, countless calls and emails I began to ask him the same question. I began to push and apparently one night I pushed too hard. He was pissed. HE was pissed?!!! What about ME? This time I wrote the love letter, I mean good-bye email. He replied with an “I love you but you deserve better.” Again, very true! And again, after a couple days Ron contacted me to say he missed me. The dance began again. Well, no one can say I’m not an optimist. They could say I’m naive (and, probably have) but, I thought we had a chance.
I was 37 years old and had been alone for a long time not unhappily but felt it would be nice to have someone in my life. I thought a little time with Ron was worth more than a lot of time with anyone else. He didn’t believe me. He said that the women in his life had said the same thing but hadn’t meant it. Well, not me. Anyone who knows me knows that I would rather be alone than with the wrong person. My mother always said that there are worse fates than being alone and she (as usual) is right. I told him real relationships were about compromise but apparently I was the only one willing to do so.
I hoped he would find out about the promotion soon because my patience and understand were nearing their end. Then one day he called very upset. He got the promotion and leaving New Jersey for the beaches of San Diego. He shared how he has worked his whole life to get here but didn’t understand why it didn’t hold the joy he thought it would. (Oh, I know you hear the swell of music but don’t get too excited.) He was committed to his plan and even love wouldn’t lead him off course. He cried as he delivered that news as if to let me know that it hurt him just as much as it did me. Because of the promotion he was emphatic never to meet because it would ruin everything. He would be a “goner” (his word) and trash his plan. Was I just slapped in the face or am I just that powerful a force? He loved me so of course, I would ruin his life. Who knew I had that kind of power? I felt confused and lost.
Inevitably, I began asking myself the usual questions: How did I get here? How could I have let myself get into this situation? It seemed so cliche. Who would have imagined a person could truly fall in love with someone they had never met, never touched, never would meet, never would touch, never would kiss? Not me. The ache I felt to see and touch him was nothing compared to the pain I felt knowing that he never really loved me (or, at least not enough) and that I had to let whatever this was…go. How is it possible that I had a broken heart if we’d never met? Sometimes I still ask myself that question when he pops into my mind.
You see, meeting through the Internet begins quite harmlessly. It’s safe, fun, uncomplicated and can quickly become a set-up for heartbreak. It allows you to feel open and free with the ability to truly be yourself because you’re behind that virtual wall. As we get older we tend to guard ourselves more when we are out in the face-to-face dating world but lose all common sense when browsing the Internet catalog of dating. I know I’m not the only person that fell head over heels for a Snuffleupagus.
I learned many things from my experience with my imaginary boyfriend. Even though I wasn’t seriously looking for a relationship somehow this man made me want to see where the journey would take me and it was fun (at least at first). I entered the experience honestly and with the truest intentions. Ron? I can’t speak for him. I can only speak for myself and some of the thoughts I’ve had over the past year. Yes, possibly this was just a game to him but for what purpose? I could torture myself thinking that the countless times he had told me he loved me were lies, but why? Is it so wrong to cherish the sweet and beautiful words he spoke and wrote to me? What good would it do to doubt what he had said to me? We wrote each other thousands of texts, emails that read like love letters and had sweet phone calls that lasted hours. I prefer to think what we shared was beautiful and so right in so many ways but not for what either of us needed or wanted at that moment in time—but it does not lessen the importance of it in our lives.
What do I feel about my Snuffleupagus a year later, as the aphrodisiac of spring re-emerges? Do I still love him? Am I still broken-hearted? As unbelievable as it probably sounds I did truly love him and the experience changed me. The one thing that I will tell you is that I love myself a hell of a lot more than before Ron entered my world. That’s the true love story here. Living through this bizarre love affair made me realize the love for me had to come from within myself before it could ever be found with someone else. I fell in love with myself and that will be a love that will never hurt me.
If I could tell Ron anything today it would that he was right. I do deserve more and the man that eventually catches me will be a very lucky man!
Karina Reeves has been a Marketing professional for over 15 years. She now is turning some of that time toward her writing with humor, grace and a style that is all her own. Karina can be reached atkarinareeves@yahoo.com
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