Jump The Fence To See If The Grass Is Greener

Risking it all to find happiness

By Brianna Dean

Thanksgiving Day, 2009: I gazed out the window at the glare from snow-capped mountains and thought to myself, “Wow, it’s a great day to ski”. While sipping coffee, I threw on my usual ski gear and grabbed the twin-tip’s for a nice day of carving powder. The ride up the gondola to the base of Breckenridge Mountain was quieter than usual, but it didn’t seem to bother me. The view was remarkable. I adjusted my goggles and couldn’t think of a place I’d rather be at that moment. Let me take you back a few years…

Early April, 2007: It was a gloomy Sunday evening in Kansas City, Missouri and I had just walked in the door from my typical grocery store purchase: water, turkey, bread, saltine crackers, and a bottle of Pinot Grigio. The sun set behind overcast skies accentuating the already dreary day. After putting away the groceries I laid down on my bed and stared at the ceiling. It was 6:00pm. I had no roommate to converse with, no cable to fall asleep to. I could hear the clock ticking. Every tick was another wasted moment. It was almost time to crack open the wine and drink myself into a slumber.

I was dreading work the next day. 8 hours of staring out my office window toward the West hoping that if I tried hard enough, I would eventually see what I knew was on the other side of the Flint Hills of Kansas. On the other side sat the Rocky Mountains, the Grand Canyon, the San Marcos Mountains…even the beautiful Pacific Ocean that I once took advantage of while growing up in Southern California. I knew it was all there. So why wasn’t I? Why do I only visit these places and not live there, I thought? Why do I still live in a city that leaves me depressed and uncomfortable? What am I still doing here?

My mind started to wander and soon I found myself flooded with thoughts. I was mentally beating myself up for not making the proper changes in order to be happy. I was obviously depressed. Every Sunday was the same, every day of work was the same, every evening, morning, and minute was the same: lonely and repetitive. I started to feel anxiety take over when I asked myself one final question: “Am I so comfortable that I will do this the rest of my life?”. Tears started to flow.

I mustered up the guts to call a friend. I needed company and something to occupy my mind so that it wouldn’t consume me. I arrived at their house, still riddled with anxiety. My stomach was in knots, eyes were darting, and I was sweating more than I should have been. My mind wouldn’t shut up. “Are you going to spend the rest of your life here?” My breaths were deep but seemed to lack oxygen. I became dizzy and adrenaline shot through my veins like someone had drugged me. My friend asked “Are you okay? You look a little nerve-wrecked”. All of a sudden I felt extremely uncomfortable. I couldn’t drag my friend in this. I immediately grabbed my things and left the house. I couldn’t ask for shelter from my own thoughts. I was a ticking time bomb of self-mutilated emotion that was about to blow. Where was I to go if I couldn’t go to my friends?

Mostly cloudy mind with a chance of anxiety storms

I could feel my body start to break down as I ran to my car. An overwhelming sense of fear and anxiety took over as I drove myself to the only place of safety I could think of: the Emergency Room. By the time I ran through the double glass doors of the hospital my face was as red as a fire extinguisher and the knots in my stomach were tearing up my insides. The doctors could hear the difficulty in my breathing and took me to the back right away. I woke up 20 minutes later laying in a hospital bed with an IV stuck in my right arm. Unaccompanied in a curtained room, I heard only the voices of nurses fluttering by. There I was, alone again. Unsure what they gave me, the doctors released me after handing me various prescriptions for anxiety.

It was about 2:00am when I got home, my eyes were red and puffy and I climbed into my bed. Was this going to happen again next Sunday?

Monday Morning: I slipped into my office without anyone noticing and kept my sunglasses on so that no one would see my severely swollen eyes. I knew I couldn’t hide it for long. My boss peeked his head in and said, “Hey, ding-dong, take your sunglasses off. You look ridiculous”. I pulled them off and tried desperately not to look up, but it wasn’t enough to keep my boss quiet. 

As soon as he asked the dreaded question, “What’s wrong?”, I verbally blasted every thought that was on my mind at that moment. My god, I had no idea how depressed I was until it all started to pour out. My boss just stared at me, shocked. He phoned in the President and the three of us discussed my situation for almost 2 hours. My employers were like family and wanted me to be happy. The President announced he would give me 3 months pay up front to go and find happiness. The catch? I couldn’t come back. I’ll never forget the words from my boss that day. He said, “Brianna, you gotta go find what makes you happy because it’s obviously not here. Go to France! Maybe that makes you happy. You won’t know what it is until you go find it”.

I was given the afternoon off and went back the next day to get my big, generous check. What to do now? I drove home and stared at the ceiling again. What do you do when someone gives you time and money, the two things that no one ever has? I had no idea. I spent the afternoon at a coffee shop looking at job listings in Kansas City. It hadn’t hit me yet. I wandered in to a book store and found a spiral-bound book of driving maps for the United States. Suddenly it hit me. I bought the book and ran out of the store. I realized that I was given time, and I didn’t want to waste it. My money would run out eventually and I didn’t want to blow it staying where I started. I then went over to a sports equipment store and bought an expensive backpack. I didn’t know what the hell for, but I needed it. I planned to fill the backpack with some essentials and explore in search of enlightenment. 

The next week was spent planning amazing trips! I contacted friends in other states and reserved couches and spare beds. My sister was planning out her internship in Kansas City and offered to pay my rent while I was away in exchange for use of my apartment. Everything was falling into place. Over the next few months I ventured off to Chicago, St. Louis, Colorado Springs, Phoenix, Denver, Los Angeles and Santa Monica. Every day was spent exploring and seeking what excited me. I started to realize my flexibility: I was not on a lease, I had no boyfriend, no pets, no job. Now was the time to change things!

Denver Skyline - Grass Is Always Greener

Denver won my heart after spending a few days with some friends downtown. I headed back to Kansas City and applied for jobs near the Rocky Mountains. I was still on a rush of excitement that I was really going to change things. I got a phone call from a potential employer in Denver and asked if I could come in for an interview that Thursday. I panicked a little thinking that a last minute plane ticket would affect my funds so I decided to drive out for the interview instead. It was a time consuming and expensive risk that I was willing to take. Sure enough, that Wednesday night I drove 8 hours to get to Denver for that fateful interview. He offered me the job on the spot. I accepted.

I anxiously boxed up my belonging and moved with great anticipation of starting fresh in Colorado. I’ve been living happily in Denver for almost three years now. My anxiety quickly disappeared and a sense of calmness has came over me. I’m finally in a place I can call home, found new activities that I love, and have met friends that will last a lifetime. I look back on my situation years ago and wonder what would have happened to me had I not listened to my own warning signs (and my boss’s advice).

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.

I have found that this proverb is often spoken to make people think that, in reality, other circumstances are often not as desirable as they may appear. People who are afraid of change try to discourage others from changing by explaining that the grass is not greener; it’s the same dull grass. Maybe they are comfortable and like their grass just the way it is. I am happy for those that can be content in any situation. I am, however, not one of those people. The point is, I don’t want to live my life trusting that all the grass in the world is the same color. I want to experience it myself. Maybe the grass is the same color, but what if the other side of the fence has grass covered in snow, or kittens chasing bugs, or a beautiful pond surrounded by wildflowers. Despite what people say, you may never know until you jump the fence.

Brianna Dean is an outdoor enthusiast with a passion for skiing. She grew up in Southern California and frequently moved as a child until she and her family settled in Kansas, much to her dismay. Feeling trapped and unfulfilled in a comfortable, mundane life, she packed up and moved to Colorado. Although she now calls Denver home, Brianna is currently spending the winter at the base of a mountain while working for a ski company. She enjoys biking, hiking, rock climbing, camping, and playing with her dog, Pali (who is named after a ski lift at Arapahoe Basin). When not working you will find her mastering a 360 at the terrain park, cooking vegetarian dinners, or discussing epic powder days at a dive bar.